GUESSES FOR DUFF

HERE IS A LIST IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OF THE GUESSES I HAVE AND WILL MAKE OF DUFF DIXON AS TO THE NATURE OF THE CATCLYSMIC DESTRUCTION THAT HUMANITY FACES IN THE COMING YEAR UNLESS ARKANGEL AND THE TIMESTRONAUTS CAN STOP IT

I WILL NOT STAND BY AND LEAVE THE LIVES OF ME AND MINE IN SOME LYING JACKBOOTS’ FILTHY SLIME COVERED HANDS SO I MUST DETERMINE THE NATURE OF THE CATACLYSM SO AS TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR IT

I WILL CROSS OFF GUESSES AS DUFF TELLS ME THAT THEY ARE NOT TRUE

• FIVE SMALL DOGS PILOTING A ROBOT MADE TO LOOK LIKE THE PRESIDENT NEGOTIATE THEIR WAY INTO NORAD AND FIRE ALL THE NUKES IN A MISGUIDED EFFORT TO FINALLY CATCH THE MAILMAN
• EVERY FIRE HYDRANT IN THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY FAILS, AND THE RESULTING FLASH FLOODS ACROSS EVERY CITY ON THE PLANET LEAD TO AN UNSUSTAINABLE MASS MIGRATION TO THE COUNTRYSIDE AND EVERYONE STARVES
• DOES A PROLIFIC EXTERMINATOR, ANGRY AT BEING STIFFED ON THE BILL BY A SHORTSIGHTED AND EXTREMELY CHEAP POPULACE, START PLAYING A MYSTERIOUS TUNE THAT LEADS EVERYONE WHO HEARS IT TO WALK OFF INTO THE WILDERNESS TO DROWN IN A LAKE BUT THEN THE SONG GOES VIRAL ON SPOTIFY AND THEN EVERYONE DROWNS IN LAKES
• BEEF
• THE LAST HOLDOUTS OF THE VIET CONG OPERATING OF A TRACTOR MAINTENANCE FACILITY IN DUBUQUE DISCOVER THE REAL HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE AND IT CREATES A BLACK HOLE THAT SWALLOWS THE UNIVERSE
• DOES THE SECRET SUPER BANK THAT OPERATES OUT OF FORT KNOX ACCIDENTALLY DELETE EVERYONE’S MONEY, PROVING THAT FIAT CURRENCY AS A CONCEPT IS A STUPID MISTAKE WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY RENDING APART THE TENUOUS FABRIC OF SOCIETY
• DOES OLD SCRATCH CHALLENGE A WAYWARD MUSICIAN TO A FIDDLE CONTEST AND LOSE NOT A GOLDEN FIDDLE BUT THE KEYS TO HELL AND THEN DOES THAT WAYWARD MUSICIAN, THINKING HE’S DOING A GOOD DEED, FREE ALL THE DAMNED SOULS RESULTING IN A TORRENT OF HELLFIRE SWALLOWING THE GLOBE
• DO A WAYWARD GROUP OF TEENS THINKING THEY FOUND THE NEXT COOL TABLETOP RPG PLAY A GAME ACCORDING TO RULES THEY FOUND IN A BOOK CALLED “DEVILS AND DOOM” AND WHEN ONE OF THEM ROLLS THREE TWENTIES IN A ROW DOES IT OPEN A RIFT TO THE PIT AND THEN DOES BELZARPHAMUX THE DEVOURER COME FORTH TO SWALLOW THE EARTH IN HIS FIREY MAW
• DOES AN INTERGALACTIC COUNCIL OF SPACEFARING HUNTER GATHERERS DESCEND UPON THE EARTH BEARING WONDEROUS GIFTS, ONLY TO REVEAL THAT THEY HAVE CHOSEN THE EARTH TO BE THE NEXT TRIBUTE TO THEIR PRIMITIVE GOD AND THEN THEY IGNORE OUR PLEAS FOR MERCY AS THEY PUSH OUR PLANET INTO A BLACK HOLE
• DOES IT TURN OUT THAT OUR GALAXY IS ACTUALLY CONTAINED INSIDE A SOAP BUBBLE BLOWN BY AN UNIMAGINABLY LARGE ALIEN CHILD WHO THEN LAUGHS AS HE POPS OUR ENTIRE REALITY INTO NOTHINGNESS
• DOES A HYPERINTELLIGENT FOG OF THOUGHTS DESCEND UPON THE EARTH LEAVING ALL LIFEFORMS TO WRITHE ON THE GROUND IN AGONY AS EACH OF THEIR LAST BREATHS CONTAINS THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF MEMORIES
• DO THE FIVE G’S GET US – BY THAT I REFER TO GREMLINS, GEODESIC BEARS, GARGAMEL, LADY GAGA, AND GRAPES? I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE FIVE G’S AND HOW WHEN THEY TEAM UP THEY BURN PEOPLE WITH MICROWAVE LASERS SO DO THEY SUCCEED IN THEIR MISSION TO RID THE WORLD OF THEIR ARCH NEMESIS “H” STARTING WITH HUMANITY?
• DO THE OCCULTIC LIBRARIANS OF CONGRESS SUMMON A BEAST FORMED OF ALL WRITTEN KNOWLEDGE AND THEN WHEN IT ABSORBS THE INTERNET DOES IT GET RADICALIZED AND JUDGE HUMANITY AND FIND IT WANTING AND THEN DOES THE THOUGHTBEAST SENTENCE ALL OF US TO DEATH BY A THOUSAND PAPERCUTS
• DOES A FREAK LIGHTNING STORM IN JACKSONVILLE FLORIDA CAUSE ALL THE VOTING MACHINES TO COME ALIVE AND UNITE TO FORM DIEBOLD-O-TRON, TERROR OF THE DEEP, AND THEN DOES THE GOVERNMENT THROW TOGETHER A CRACK TEAM OF ELECTION MONITOR/FIGHTER PILOTS THAT CONTROL A GIGANTIC, SWORD-WIELDING ROBOT TO DO BATTLE WITH DIEBOLD-O-TRON, ONLY WHEN THE TWO MEET IN BATTLE THEY LEAVE SUCH DESTRUCTION IN THEIR WAKE SO AS TO LEAVE THE EARTH UNINHABITABLE
• DO DUFF DIXON AND ARCHIE GO ROGUE AND PUSH EVERYONE ON THE PLANET INTO A VOLCANO ONE AT A TIME
• DOES A CARELESS SCIENTIST ACCIDENTALLY 3D PRINT A GENETIC STRAIN OF SUPERPOX THAT SWEEPS THE GLOBE, GIVING EVERYONE BOTH PAINFUL SORES AND UNCONTROLLABLE FIRE BASED POWERS THAT CUMULATIVELY INCINERATE THE PLANET
• DOES A TERRORIST CELL OF RADICALIZED ELVES, WEARY FROM THEIR ENDLESS ENSLAVEMENT IN THE FROZEN NORTH, SECRET A TARGETED AMOUNT OF COMPACT NUCLEAR DEVICES AMONGST THE GOODIES AND TOYS FOR THE GOOD GIRLS AND BOYS, FORCING SANTA CLAUS INTO BEING AN UNWITTING SOWER OF DEADLY SEEDS WHICH BURST INTO BLOOM ACROSS THE WORLD SIMULTANEOUSLY ONE FATEFUL DECEMBER MORN?
• ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S THIRD REINCARNATION BURSTS FROM HIS AMBER COCOON HELD INSIDE THE YELLOWSTONE CALDERA AND HE PUSHES THE MOON AT CANADA IN REVENGE FOR HIS IMPRISONMENT BUT HE MISJUDGES HOW HARD TO PUSH THE MOON AND HE OBLITERATES THE PLANET
• DOES AN ARMY OF KILLBOTS, MADE BY AN ARMY OF MAKEBOTS, AND LEAD BY AN ARMY OF LEADBOTS GO TOWN TO TOWN CONVINCING ALL HUMANS TO STOP EATING WITH AN IMPOSSIBLY CONVINCING POWERPOINT PRESENTATION
• DOES THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE DISAPPEAR WHEN THE ONLY REAL PERSON IN IT GETS UNCEREMONIOUSLY HIT BY A CAR, AND IS THAT ONLY REAL PERSON ME, RICHARD
• DOES HUMANITY’S EFFORTS TO CORRECT GLOBAL CARBON EMISSIONS AND REVERSE CLIMATE CHANGE TRIGGER A SECRET “SPEED” LIKE SCENARIO WHERE A BOMB IS SET TO GO OFF AND DESTROY THE WORLD IF CARBON EMISSIONS RAISE ABOVE A CERTAIN LEVEL AND THEN GO BACK BELOW THAT LEVEL
• BIG TOBACCO, BIG PHARMA AND BIG MAC TRY TO PUSH THE NEW OPIATE OF THE MASSES – BIG FLUBBER – AND THE OUT OF CONTROL SUBSTANCE HURTLES THE TECTONIC PLATES INTO ORBIT SO THAT EITHER YOU FREEZE IN THE COLD INFINITE BLACKNESS OF SPACE OR YOU FALL INTO THE MOLTEN CORE OF THE EARTH AND ARE EATEN BY LAVA MOLES
• DOES A HORRIFYING WHISTLING TUNE BREAK THE UP TILL NOW DEAFENING QUIET OF DEEP SPACE, SEEMING TO COME FROM EVERYWHERE AT ONCE, BEFORE REVEALING ITS SOURCE TO BE FROM A SEPTET OF RED AND WHITE DWARF STARS TRAVELING THROUGH THE COSMOS LOOKING FOR PLANETARY RESOURCES TO MINE AND THE LAST THING ANY HUMANS HEAR BEFORE THEIR IMPOSSIBLY HUGE PICKAXES DESCEND UPON THE PLANET IS A DEAFENING “HEIGH HO”
• DOES THE LORD OF SKULLS, WEARY OF HIS ENDLESS VIGIL ATOP HIS BONY PARAPET, TAKE FLIGHT FROM SKELE-TOWN AND BEGIN TO DEVOUR THE DENIZENS OF OUR WORLD, LOOKING TO ESTABLISH A NEW DOMAIN OF FLESHY SERVANTS TO RULE
• DOES THE WORLD GET SUCKED INTO CYBERSPACE VIA A SUPER POWERED TRON LASER AND SUBSEQUENTLY GET DELETED BY A ROGUE AUTOMATIC UPDATE
• DOES THE SUN GET HIT BY A TIME COMPRESSION BEAM BY A HOSTILE ALIEN RACE AND SKIP STRAIGHT TO THE POINT IN ITS LIFESPAN WHEN IT SWALLOWS THE EARTH WHILE BECOMING A RED GIANT
• DO THE JACKBOOT FLOURIDIOTS IN GOVERNMENT, IN AN EFFORT TO FREE HUMANITY OF THE SHACKLES OF ALLERGIES, ACCIDENTALLY ADD A LETHAL DOSE OF WASP VENOM TO EVERY DROP OF WATER ON THE PLANET
• DOES MCDONALD’S DECIDE TO MAKE THE MCRIB AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME AND DOES THAT SOMEHOW RESULT IN US ALL DYING
• WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA GET INCREASINGLY OUT OF CONTROL OVERWHELMING FIREFIGHTERS AND FINALLY UNITE TO FORM WILDFURIOUS, THE ANCIENT GOD OF FIRES, AND THEN WILDFURIOUS BURNS AWAY THE ATMOSPHERE IN A WORLDWIDE CONFLAGRATION TO RIVAL THE BURNING SURFACE OF THE SUN
• DOES ALL THIS TIME TRAVEL ARKANGEL IS DOING SOMEHOW BREAK TIME RESULTING IN THE WORLD BEING LEFT BEHIND THE TIMELINE AND GETTING EATEN BY THE LANGOLIERS
• DOES A HOSTILE RACE OF ALIENS ATTACK EARTH, AND JUST WHEN ALL SEEMS LOST DOES A SCIENTIST BUILD A COMPUTER VIRUS TO DISABLE THEIR FLEET, SNEAKING ABOARD THE MOTHERSHIP ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT MACOS IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH ALIEN TECHNOLOGY AND THEN DOES THE SCIENTIST DIE ALONGSIDE THE REST OF HUMANITY AS THE ALIENS BLOW EVERYTHING UP
• DOES MORGOTH BELEGURTH RESURRECT HIS CORRUPTED MAIAR AND BURST FROM THE PLANET’S CORE ESTABLISHING A NEW WORLD ORDER UNDER THE FIREY WHIPS AND CHAINS OF HIS BALROGS
• DOES A PLUCKY TEAM OF SUPERNATURAL INVESTIGATORS ATTEMPT TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF A SERIES OF DEATHS AT AN ABANDONED MISSILE SILO BUT WHEN THEY FIND OUT THAT OLD MAN MCCARTHY WAS TRYING TO CHASE EVERYONE AWAY SO HE COULD START A URANIUM MINE ON THE SPOT OLD MAN MCCARTHY STARTS RANDOMLY HITTING SWITCHES ON THE WALL TRYING TO MAKE A DIVERSION AND HE ACCIDENTALLY LAUNCHES A MISSILE AT RUSSIA STARTING A CHAIN REACTION OF AUTOMATED RESPONSE LAUNCHES DESTROYING EVERYTHING
• DOES A CABAL OF SUN WORSHIPING SENTIENT ROCKS HOLLOW OUT THE CORE OF THE PLANET IN ORDER TO FUEL THE CONSTRUCTION OF MILLIONS OF NEW SOLDIERS FOR THEIR GALAXY CONQUERING ARMADA
• HOW ABOUT BELGIUM? DO THEY DO US ALL IN? I’VE NEVER TRUSTED THEIR WAFFLES– GIANT HOLED CIRCLES OF LIES!
• DUFF, REAL TALK NOW. SOMEHOW, SOME WAY, DO I KILL EVERYONE?